


Villainy Squared

by Longitudinalwave



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:09:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28455123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Longitudinalwave/pseuds/Longitudinalwave
Summary: Four of Gotham's most infamous Rogues decide to attack the same bank at the same time. Hilarity ensues.
Kudos: 11





	Villainy Squared

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Thanks for checking out my story!
> 
> This doesn't take place in any particular continuity; it's just crazy goofiness. Hopefully it's enjoyable!

**Dramatis Personae**

**Batman/Bruce Wayne,** the heroic but grumpy crime fighting vigilante

**Harley Quinn/Harleen Quinzel,** the eccentric and dimwitted girlfriend of Joker

**Harvey Dent/Two-Face,** the angry D.A. turned mob boss who bases his decisions on coin flips

**The Riddler/Edward Nygma,** a childish, riddle-obsessed technological genius

**The Scarecrow/Jonathan Crane,** a psychopathic psychologist; obsessed with fear

**Script**

Act I

_ (Enter Riddler and Two-Face from different directions) _

**Riddler:** Riddle me this, Gotham! What has-  _ (Pause)  _ Two-Face? What are you doing here? 

**Two-Face:** Out of the way, Nygma. This is the Second National Bank, and I’m going to rob it.

**Riddler:** But this is my heist! I’ve been planning it for months! You can’t just interrupt months of detailed planning because of your obsession with the number two! Why, I’ve already set up my riddle-based death traps of doom in there! 

**Two-Face:** Tough luck, Nygma. You should’ve known better than to gamble on the Second National Bank with me on the loose. Now get lost.  _ (Shoves Riddler to the ground) _

**Riddler:** Ow!  _ (Stands up, brushes himself off)  _ That was entirely uncalled for! And I’m not going anywhere until you find a different bank to rob. This one is mine! Mine! All mine! 

**Two-Face:** Do you really want to tussle with me, Nygma? 

**Riddler:** You aren’t so tough. I can take you. Probably. 

**Two-Face:** _ (Laughs)  _ A skinny little nerd like you? In your dreams, loser. 

**Riddler:** I’m not a loser! Why, I’m Gotham’s greatest criminal mastermind and the smartest person in Gotham! You’re just a dumb thug!

**Two-Face:** I may be a thug, but I’m far from dumb. I was a lawyer before I turned to crime, remember? You have to be smart to get through law school!

**Riddler:** Whatever you say, Two-Face, whatever you say. 

**Two-Face:** _ (Grabs Riddler by collar)  _ Look here, punk. I’d feel bad fighting a weakling like you, so I’ll give you one last chance to leave. If you don’t, I’ll beat you to a pulp. Got it? 

**Riddler:** But-but I can’t leave! I spent ten thousand dollars on this heist! If I don’t make a profit, I’m gonna be broke! Those riddle traps aren’t cheap, you know.

**Two-Face:** That’s your problem, Nygma, not mine. Now leave, or it won’t be just your bank account that’s broke. 

_ (Enter Harley) _

**Harley:** Hi, Two-Face! Hi, Eddie! What are you guys doing here?

**Riddler:** Hi, kid. I’m trying to rob this bank with the help of my riddle-based death traps of doom, but apparently Two-Face had a similar idea, and so we’re now having a difference of opinion regarding who should rob the bank.

**Two-Face:** _(Shakes Riddler a bit)_ Yeah, and Nygma was just deciding to leave the bank robbing to a professional. What are you doing here, Harley?

**Harley:** Mister J sent me to rob the bank to fund our next comedy show. 

**Two-Face:** Well, tell that green-haired freak that Two-Face beat you to it. This is my bank to rob, not his or anyone else’s. Isn’t that  _ right, _ Nygma?

**Riddler:** Y-yes, sir. Just let me go and I’ll be out of your hair- _ (Aside)  _ And out of money again! This stinks! How am I supposed to get respect when this keeps happening?

_ (Two-Face releases Riddler; Riddler rubs his neck) _

**Harley:** Uh, I don’t think Mister J will like the idea of you taking his money, Two-Face.

**Two-Face:** Well, that’s too bad, because I’m taking it anyway. 

**Harley:** Couldn’t the three of us just split the money, Two-Face? That way, we can all get what we want, and we don’t have to fight over it.

**Riddler:** Kid, we’re villains. We don’t share money with anyone, not even adorable little things like you. Sorry to disappoint. 

**Harley:** But we’re friends, aren’t we? 

**Two-Face:** No, we aren’t. At best, we’re acquaintances. Now you two had better get lost before I lose my temper. Like I said earlier, this is my heist, and I don’t share. 

_ (Harley starts crying; Enter Scarecrow) _

**Scarecrow:** Greetings, citizens of Gotham. You are about to participate in the largest experiment in mass hysteria ever recorded, courtesy of me, the Scarecrow!  _ (Notices others)  _ Wait- what are the three of you doing here? You’re not part of my experiment. 

**Two-Face:** Go away, you sadistic creep. I don’t want anything to do with a sicko like you. 

_ (Harley pulls out improbably long handkerchief to blow nose) _

**Scarecrow:** Scared, Two-Face? You should be. And Riddler, how nice to see you. 

**Riddler:** H-hello, Scarecrow. I-I was just leaving. See you around!  _ (Tries to exit, only for Scarecrow to grab him and pull him back) _

**Scarecrow:** Leaving so soon? Why, the experiment has only just begun!

**Two-Face:** _ (Mutters)  _ Experiment, my foot.  _ (To the others)  _ I thought I told all three of you to leave! This is my bank robbery, not a fear experiment or a way to fund stupid jokes or a way to prove intellectual superiority! Now go before I get violent! 

**Scarecrow:** Leave intimidation to me, Two-Face. You lack the proper finesse to be truly frightening to anyone-except for cowards like Riddler, of course. 

**Riddler:** I-I’m not a coward! I’m a genius!  _ (Aside)  _ Why, oh, why did I have to pick the one bank in Gotham that three other supervillains wanted? It’s going to ruin me, and then I’ll never be able to prove that I’m better than Batman! It’s not fair! They cheated me! They cheated!  _ (Pouts) _

**Harley:** _ (Notices the Scarecrow, runs to him, hugs him)  _ Hiya, Professor Crane! It’s nice to see you! How have you been?

**Scarecrow:** Good evening, child. I have been doing well, and I have conducted many fascinating experiments in fear. How have you been?

**Harley:** Great, Professor Crane! 

**Two-Face:** _ (To Harley)  _ You actually _ like _ this psycho?

**Harley:** Of course! He was my professor of psychology! 

**Scarecrow:** And she was my favorite student. Her grasp of the physiological and psychological effects of fear, as well as the names and causes of many phobias, was astounding.  _ (Pause)  _ Now, if you’ll all excuse me, I have a fear experiment to conduct.

**Two-Face:** Oh, no, you don’t. No one’s committing a crime in that bank but me! 

**Harley:** No, _ I’m  _ robbing it for Mister J! 

**Scarecrow:** Child, my experiments are much more important than petty thievery, and there are plenty of other banks for you to rob. Couldn’t you attack one of them instead?

**Harley:** Mister J specifically told me to attack this one, Professor Crane. Couldn’t you do your experiment somewhere else? Or just wait for me to rob the bank before you start your experiment? I really wanna impress Mister J, and he’ll kill me if I don’t do what he says. 

**Two-Face:** Why do you stay with that clown? He’s such a creep!

_ (The three ad lib an argument) _

**Riddler:** Fellow villains, I have a brilliant solution to our problem!  _ (Pause)  _ Hey, guys, I have an idea!  _ (Pause)  _ Is anybody listening to me? I  _ said _ I have an idea.  _ (Pause)  _ BE QUIET SO I CAN TELL YOU ALL MY PLAN! 

_ (Other villains stop arguing)  _

**Scarecrow:** So, you finally grew a spine. I’m impressed, Riddler. What’s your idea?

**Riddler:** We all want to attack the same bank, but none of us are willing to team up or take turns, right?

**Harley/Scarecrow/Two-Face:** Right.

**Riddler:** So why don’t we bet for it? I have a fine set of cards at home, after all. The winner of the game gets to rob the bank-or spread fear gas, as the case may be- and the other three have to help them. Does that sound like a brilliant plan or what?

**Harley:** I love games! I’m in!

**Two-Face:** Everybody has equal odds of winning. That sounds fair to me. But I’ll have to flip my coin to decide.  _ (Flips coin)  _ The coin says that it’s a good idea. Let’s play.

**Scarecrow:** I normally dislike games, but, as this one will allow me to spend time with Harley, study three severely disturbed individuals, and get assistants for my experiment, I will play your game as well, and study how much you suffer from Ludophobia- the fear of losing-by so doing. 

**Riddler:** Terrific! Let’s go to my Riddle-Lair. 

_ (Exit all)  _

Act II 

_ (Enter Batman on the phone)  _

**Batman:** Hello? Hello, Commissioner Gordon. Is something wrong?  _ (Pause)  _ The Scarecrow’s escaped from Arkham, too? That makes four high-profile criminals on the loose. Do we have any leads as to where they might have gone? Mmm-hmm. Uh-huh. Make sure that Gotham’s citizens know not to attempt to engage them. The last time someone tried that, they ended up in the hospital. Thanks for telling me about his escape. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, I’ll start looking for him-and Arkham’s other three escapees-straightaway. Good-bye, Commissioner.  _ (Puts phone away)  _ Hello, audience. I am Batman, the guardian of Gotham City. I have been protecting the innocent citizens of Gotham City from its large collection of lunatics, mob bosses, corrupt politicians, psychopathic psychologists, and ordinary thieves and thugs, and I have also trained my ward, young Dick Grayson, to help me fight crime as Robin. However, he is in Washington, D.C. for a field trip, and so I am single-handedly striking fear into superstitious, cowardly criminals until he returns. However, I am currently facing a much more serious problem than usual: namely, the fact that Harley Quinn, Two-Face, the Riddler, and the Scarecrow have escaped from Arkham and are running amok. Each one is a dangerous criminal in their own right, and the idea of all four on the loose simultaneously would be enough to strike strong fear into the hearts of the good people of Gotham. Therefore, I must quickly defeat and recapture all four criminals before they can start committing crimes-or, worse yet, decide to team up. To the Batmobile, audience!  _ (Batman pantomimes getting into car and then driving it)  _ My sources tell me that the Riddler is hiding out in an abandoned publishing facility, while Harley Quinn is in an abandoned amusement park and the Scarecrow is in an abandoned haunted house. Two-Face is probably in one of his many apartments, but I’m not sure which one he’s in, so I should probably look for him first. Tell me if you see anything, audience. Thank you.

Act III

_ (Enter Riddler, Two-Face, Scarecrow, and Harley) _

**Harley:** Nice place you got here, Eddie. 

**Riddler:** I know, right? I took over this publishing facility after it was abandoned, added a few personal touches, and wallah! Instant masterpiece of home decorating!

**Two-Face:** If you like neon green question marks, maybe.

**Riddler:** Who doesn’t ? 

**Two-Face:** 99.9% of people who aren’t you. 

**Harley:** _ I _ like it. It’s so shiny and pretty!

**Two-Face:** That’s because, you, like Nygma, have the attention span, maturity level, and taste of a six-year-old. 

**Riddler:** I do not have the brain of a six-year-old! Why, I’m the world’s greatest criminal mastermind! If I wasn’t a mature adult, I couldn’t be. 

**Two-Face:** One, your claim to that title is very, very debatable. Two, even if you are a mastermind, your crimes are based on riddles, puzzles, and brainteasers. You’re an adult who uses children’s games for your crimes, and you throw hissy fits when you lose. Even I can’t deny that you’re a genius when it comes to tech and wordplay, but you have an extremely immature outlook on the majority of life. 

**Scarecrow:** In other words, Riddler, you’re a technological and linguistic savant. Your skill in those areas far outstrips your capability in any other aspect of life, and in terms of social behavior you are extremely delayed to the point of it being clear that, emotionally and socially speaking, you’re still a small child. And Harleen has regressed to that point as well, in large part thanks to the Joker. Both of you are adults who act like children, and it’s why you’re insane. 

**Riddler:** Whatever. You’re just jealous because neither of you has a brilliant mind like mine.  _ (He grabs a box of cards and sits down at a table with them) _

**Scarecrow:** _ (To Two-Face)  _ And, of course, his delusions of grandeur make his mental issues worse.  _ (Both laugh and sit down)  _

**Harley:** Professor Crane! Two-Face! Stop being mean to Eddie!  _ (Sits down) _

**Riddler:** Yeah, stop being mean to Eddie-er, me! 

**Two-Face:** _ (To Riddler)  _ Aww, did we hurt your feelings?   
**Scarecrow:** _ (To Two-Face)  _ Knock it off, Two-Face. 

**Two-Face:** Why? It’s fun to watch Nygma freak out.

**Scarecrow:** I told you to knock it off! I don’t particularly care for Riddler, either, but we’re upsetting Harleen by making fun of him, and I hate it when she gets upset.

**Two-Face:** Who are you, and what have you done with Jonathan Crane?

**Scarecrow:** Harleen is my only friend, all right? I’m allowed to be nice to one person, aren’t I?

**Two-Face:** So, the big bad Scarecrow has a soft spot, huh? How cute.

**Scarecrow:** Mock me again and I’ll give you a faceful of fear gas. 

**Two-Face:** Okay, okay, I’m sorry! 

**Scarecrow:** That’s better. So, Riddler, what are we playing?

**Riddler:** I was thinking poker, but it’s really up to you three. I mean, I’ll win no matter what we play, so it doesn’t matter to me. 

**Two-Face:** _ (Flips coin)  _ The coin says we play blackjack. 

**Scarecrow:** I was hoping to play rummy, myself, but as I am here to win, not to enjoy myself, I don’t particularly care what we play.

**Harley:** Um, the only card game I know how to play is Go Fish. Can we play that?

**Riddler:** You’ve never played a card game besides Go Fish? Really?

**Harley:** Really really, Eddie. 

**Riddler:** Why?

**Harley:** All the other ones confuse me. 

**Riddler:** I see. Since I don’t feel like teaching you to play poker, I guess we’re playing go fish.

**Scarecrow:** Very well. As I said, this is merely an opportunity for me to study human behavior, nothing more. Go Fish is as good a game as any for that purpose.

**Two-Face:** No way are we playing Go Fish. That game is for little kids, not super criminals. Can you imagine how we’d look playing a game for little kids? 

**Riddler:** Well, according to you, Harley and I act like children anyway, so why wouldn’t we play a kids’ game? 

**Two-Face:** Okay, then, imagine how  _ I’d  _ look playing a kids’ game. 

**Harley:** Aww, you’d be  _ adorable _ , Two-Face! 

**Two-Face:** _ Not  _ the point I was trying to make. I wouldn’t look adorable, I’d look stupid, and nobody in the underground would ever take me seriously again. I am not playing Go Fish! 

**Scarecrow:** All right, then you forfeit the game and have to help whichever one of us wins carry out our crime. 

**Two-Face:** Fine! If that’s how you’re gonna play it, then I’ll ask my coin whether I should participate.  _ (Flips coin; groans)  _ Deal me in. 

_ (Riddler deals and the four play Go Fish, ad libbing all the while) _

**Riddler:** Yipee! I won! I won! I actually won! And you two thought I was a joke! 

_ (Two-Face and Scarecrow grumble and glare as Riddler does an obnoxious happy dance)  _

**Harley:** Congrats, Eddie! Do you mind if I steal a little something for myself to keep Mister J happy while we’re helping you?

**Riddler:** Of course not. I may be a psychotic maniac, but even I don’t want to see you get hurt by that barbaric clown again. Speaking of which, you should really find a new boyfriend who treats you with the respect you deserve. 

**Harley:** Whaddaya mean, Eddie? My puddin’ loves me! 

**Scarecrow:** No, he doesn’t. If he did, he wouldn’t threaten to kill you for failing to fulfill his requests. I’ve told you this a thousand times before-he doesn’t love you, he’s using you. 

**Harley:** Well, maybe Mister J  _ is  _ a little rough sometimes-

**Riddler:** A little rough? He pushed you out of a fourth-story window! What’s a lot rough for you, having him drop a nuclear bomb on you? Oh, wait-he was willing to do that, too!

**Harley:** But I l-l-love him! 

_ (Harley starts crying again, Riddler pats her on the back awkwardly)  _

**Two-Face:** Does anyone else find it a little odd that three supervillains are lecturing someone about how they’re in an abusive relationship? 

**Scarecrow:** Maybe a little. But then again, I used to be a psychologist. I know the signs of an abusive relationship when I see one. 

**Two-Face:** You do? I thought you only cared about fear. 

**Scarecrow:** I may be fascinated by the effects of fear on the human psyche, but that doesn’t mean that I have completely forgotten everything else I learned in order to become a psychologist. And besides, that poor child’s fear of disappointing the Joker, while invigorating for me in the abstract, is also what keeps her from leaving him. Fear plays a large role in such abusive relationships, and as such, I know a lot about it.  _ (Pause)  _ Poor child. Poor, poor child. 

**Two-Face:** Why does her relationship with the Joker bother  _ you _ ? You’re the psycho who deliberately makes people see their worst fears for your twisted “research”! 

**Scarecrow:** That doesn’t mean I entirely lack standards, Two-Face. And, even if it did, that doesn’t mean that I want the only person in my entire life who ever wanted to be my friend to be constantly abused by the clown who claims to love her. 

**Two-Face:** Okay, you have a point.  _ (Examines his gun) _

**Harley:** Why does everyone think that my puddin is abusing me? He doesn’t mean anything by what he does to me.  _ (Blows nose)  _

**Riddler:** We think he’s abusing you because he is! He threw you out of a fourth-story window, drove you insane, got you involved in battles with a crime fighting ninja, throws you around, hits you, never listens to what you have to say, lies to you, makes fun of you, makes you do things against your will, and ignores you when you’re not convenient. What else would you call that?

**Scarecrow:** It’s simple psychology, really. He follows the standard pattern of abusers: he pretends he’s nice to win you to his side, then he makes you think that you can’t live without him, and once he’s convinced he can control you, he starts with the abuse. 

**Harley:** But I love him!

**Riddler:** Is loving him worth him trying to kill you when he gets angry?

**Harley:** Yes. 

_ (Riddler and Scarecrow groan) _

**Scarecrow:** Child, if you stay with him, he will kill you. I am very similar to him, so I know that he is incapable of love. At best, you are a diversion to him. At worst, you are a punching bag. You need to break up with him and find someone else-preferably someone else who is less prone to creating gigantic explosions. 

**Riddler:** My vote would be that you turn “puddin” into pudding, but that’s neither here nor there. Either way, you should ditch that creep and move on with your life. 

**Harley:** But where would I go?

**Riddler:** Poison Ivy likes you. Maybe you could go live with her. 

**Harley:** Thanks for the suggestion. You guys are the best friends a psychotic nutcase could ask for.  _ (Blows nose)  _ From now on, I’m done with that homicidal, abusive clown. 

**Scarecrow:** Wonderful! And if he tries to bother you, I’ll give him a nightmare that he’ll never wake up from. 

_ (Harley hugs Riddler, who looks thrilled, then hugs Scarecrow)  _

**Riddler:** _ (Aside)  _ I got hugged by a girl! Score! 

**Two-Face:** Can we go rob the bank now, please? I’m as fond of weird counseling sessions as anyone else, but if we don’t get going soon, I’m going to forget our deal and rob the place by myself using my own plan. 

**Riddler:** Okay, okay, we’re coming. Don’t have a cow.

**Harley:** You know, now that I’ve broken up with Mister J, I don’t really need to rob the bank, so I’m going to go find Ivy. Good-bye!

**Riddler:** Atta girl, kid! Bye! 

**Scarecrow:** Farewell, child. 

_ (Exit Harley)  _

**Two-Face:** You two really are crazy. 

**Riddler:** And we wouldn’t have it any other way. Let’s go rob that bank!

**Commercial Break!**

Act IV

_ (Enter Batman)  _

**Batman:** I’ve checked the hideouts of Two-Face, Harley Quinn, and the Scarecrow, but they weren’t at any of them. That means that they must’ve teamed up with Riddler for some reason, and they must be hanging out here, at the abandoned publishing facility Riddler uses. I hope that, whatever nefarious crime they’re planning, they’re still here now, because if they aren’t, I’ll have to deal with panicked civilians. 

_ (Enter Harley)  _

**Harley:** Hi, Batman!  _ (Does double take) Batman?  _

**Batman:** Surrender quietly and things will be much easier for you, Ms. Quinzel. 

**Harley:** Great! I was just looking for you!  _ (Hugs him)  _ I’m breaking up with the Joker, so I need to go to Arkham to get away with him and meet up with Red. 

**Batman:** _ (Confused)  _ You’re surrendering?

**Harley:** Yeah! I’m breaking up with the Joker, so I need to go to Arkham so that he can’t get me, and this is the quickest way to do it. 

**Batman:** _All_ right. _(Handcuffs her)_ Why the change of heart regarding the Joker?

**Harley:** Eddie and Professor Crane told me he was abusing me, and they made sense, so I decided to leave him and become my own person again. 

**Batman:** I’m glad to hear that, Ms. Quinzel. I wish you the best of luck with your attempt to break the cycle of codependency and abuse. 

_ (They pantomime getting into the Batmobile and driving to Arkham in it. Harley throws her hands in the air like she’s on a roller coaster)  _

**Harley:** WHEEE!

_ (Batman stops the car and lets her out. They ‘walk inside’ Arkham) _

**Batman:** Good-bye, Ms. Quinzel.

**Harley:** Good-bye, Batman.  _ (Hugs him)  _ And next time, you can call me Harley. Everybody does. 

**Batman:** Good-bye, Harley.  _ (Aside)  _ Now I just have to hope that the other three have kept out of trouble. 

Act V

_ (Enter Riddler, Scarecrow, and Two-Face)  _

**Two-Face:** If this plan fails, I’ll make you eat your hat.

**Riddler:** Fail? I’m a genius! So long as Batman doesn’t show up, my plan can’t possibly fail!

_ (Enter Batman)  _

**Batman:** Hello, gentlemen.

**Scarecrow:** _ (To Riddler)  _ Congratulations, Riddler. You jinxed your own plan. How predictable.

**Batman:** I assume that asking the three of you to come in quietly would be too much to ask.

**Riddler:** How did you solve my riddles, Batman?

**Batman:** I didn’t have to. The three of you left a trail so obvious that anyone could have followed you here. 

**Riddler:** You didn’t solve the riddles I sent you? Then I won! I won! I actually won! 

**Batman:** Sure. Whatever makes you happy.  _ (Aside)  _ It’s like fighting a six-year-old. 

**Riddler:** And now, I’ll kill you with a riddle-based death trap of- 

_ (Batman knocks him out)  _

**Batman:** There’s your prize, Nygma. 

**Scarecrow:** Did you see Harleen, by any chance?

**Batman:** Yes, I did. I took her to the asylum myself, in fact. Why?

**Scarecrow:** I was hoping that she would find a way to keep herself safe from that lunatic. Good for her!  _ (Pause; Brandishes fear canister)  _ It’s time for you to face your fears, Batman!

**Batman:** No, it’s time for you to face the law.  _ (Knocks fear canister out of his hands)  _ Why did you willingly help Harley, Crane?

**Scarecrow:** That’s personal information, Batman.  _ (Tries to grab fear canister, is knocked out by Batman)  _

**Two-Face:** _ (Makes a run for the bank)  _ Looks like I get the money after all!  _ (Is knocked out by Batman)  _

**Batman:** Good night, Dent.  _ (Pulls out phone)  _ Hello? Commissioner Gordon? It’s Batman. I have three criminals for you to arrest. They’re right outside the Second National Bank. Thank you.  _ (Puts phone away)  _ I can’t believe that the Scarecrow and the Riddler care enough about Harley to try to get her away from the Joker, but it’s beneficial anyway, as it means that I might not have to deal with Harley Quinn any more. Who would have expected that? 

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thanks for reading.


End file.
